Eli’s Rules and More

MORE THAN ONE DAD COULD TAKE
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation.” My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man – who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”
After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
“I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up “I should have never taken that job at 7-Up…

ELI’S THIRTY TODDLER RULES
1. If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on.
2. If it is folded, I must unfold it.
3. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
4. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
5. If it is high, it must be reached.
6. If it is shelved, it must be removed.
7. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
8. If it has leaves, they must be picked.
9. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
10. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
11. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
12. If it is closed, it must be opened.
13. If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
14. If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
15. If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
16. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
17. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
18. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
19. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
20.  If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
21. If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
22. If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
23. If it is paper, it must be torn.
24. If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
25. If the volume is low, it must go high.
26. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
27. If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
28. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
29. If it is not food, it must be tasted.
30. If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.