A Money Funny
An old man, because of his grumpy miserly ways, had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and minister to gather around his bedside.
“I have always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It’s in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me, you throw the envelopes in.”
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel exactly right. I’m going to confess. I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we’re building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”
The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a hospital and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.”
The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”
Only a Lawyer Knows
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How should I know?” the man answers, “I’m not a lawyer!”
At noon one day an urgent call was put in for a plumber but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later.
“How is it?” he asked entering the house.
“Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive, I taught my wife how to swim.”