GROCERIES An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “PRAISE THE LORD!” Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!” Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!” The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD.” The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.” The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!”
SECRET A pastor said: “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
GRANDPA The minister told the story of a lady and her five-year old son. The lady wanted her son to attend Sunday morning service, but she couldn’t sit with him because she sang in the choir. So, she asked the boy’s grandfather to accompany him. Realizing that older gent always nodded off during services, the lady offered her son fifty cents to keep him awake. Half way through the sermon the lady glanced from the choir loft and saw/heard her snoring relative. Upon questioning the boy after Church as to why he didn’t do his “paid” job of keeping grandfather awake, the boy said that grandfather offered him a dollar to let him sleep.