Friday Funnies

FINALLY SERMON

A pastor fell out with his church council over various church policies and procedures, including how the finances were handled. After bitter arguments and many nights of lost sleep, he decided to leave the congregation to take a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John 14:1: “I go to prepare a place for you.”

HERE’S YOUR SIGN

In a moment creative inspiration, the entrepreneur who owned the coin-op laundry beside the church commissioned this sign for his window: “Where cleanliness really is next to Godliness!”

MIX UP

A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.

“It could be worse,” the florist said, “Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. ‘Congratulations on Your New Location!’ ”

Word Of God

Why I Know the Bible Is the Word of God
Adrian Rogers
2 Timothy 3:12

Take God’s Word please and open to 2 Timothy chapter 3. I was thinking about my own background and my love of the Holy Scriptures. And I was asking myself, Adrian, why do you believe the Bible is the Word of God? And I pondered on that subject. And I said to myself, Well, I believe the Word of God because I was told it was the Word of God. I mean, to begin with. My mama, my daddy told me the Bible was the Word of God. In our home, we just had certain principles. Number one is that you never set another book on top of the Bible, or never set anything else on top of the Bible. Or you never put the Bible on the floor. It was just a different book. It was the Word of God. And as a child, I didn’t understand all of that, but my parents, I had respect for my parents. And I just said, Well, that is the Word of God. I didn’t know much about it. I didn’t understand it. But I had a respect for it. Later on I became a Christian. I got saved. I was born again. And I began to study the Bible. And I learned more and more about it. And now I know it is the Word of God, but from a different perspective. I have other reasons now for believing that the Bible is the word of God. And I want to share those reasons with you in a moment. But I want us to begin reading in 2 Timothy chapter 3 verse 12. The Bible says, Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution. Question. Are you living godly in Christ Jesus? Well, a good test is are you getting any persecution? If you’re not getting any persecution, you better check yourself out. Now, persecution doesn’t mean that they’re going to flog you or stone you. It might mean they’ll laugh at you. It might they’ll overlook you. It might mean they’ll put you down. It might mean they’ll pals you up. But friend, you be an out and out Christian in this world, there is no way you’re going to come out unscathed. Amen? That’s what Cod’s Word says. And especially in the last days, because the Bible says, But evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. Friend, that verse has climactic in this day. But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast learned them, and that from a child thou hast known the Holy Scriptures which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is given by inspiration of Cod and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be perfect. That means complete, mature. Thoroughly furnished unto all good works. I charge thee therefore before God and the Lord Jesus Christ who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing in his kingdom, Preach the Word. Be instant in season and out of season. Reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.

Wade’s Wednesday

Wisdom

by Charles Stanley

A growing number of people in our world fail to seek God for His wisdom. Instead, they strive to satisfy their passions and desires without regard to their futures or to the consequences of their decisions.

This is a spiritually dangerous way to live. When we try to live apart from the counsel of God’s wisdom, we suffer disillusionment, fear, doubt, worry, and frustration. Our lives fall apart when we do not involve the Savior in our decisions.

The wisest approach to life’s challenges is to seek God for His plan, direction, and spiritual insight. But how can we do that? The next time you face a challenge or an important decision, seek God’s wisdom by doing the following:

• Seek Him—If you want to know God’s heart on a given issue or when you have to make a difficult decision, ask Him. Take time to pray—but in your times of prayer, don’t do all the talking. Listen for God’s still, small voice whispering His words of guidance and encouragement to you.

• Meditate on God’s Word—You will gain insight into God’s mind and heart by studying Scripture and meditating on its truth. Difficult decisions become easier to make when God is the One guiding you.

• Obey the principles of Scripture—When you set your heart on obeying God, He will teach you how to apply His truth in your life. Then you will know the way of wisdom.

• Observe the faithfulness of God—The Lord has never failed to keep a single promise He has made. The Bible is full of testimonies that celebrate His goodness and love. Learn to claim His promises as you read His Word.

• Heed godly counsel—God can use a pastor or trusted Christian friend to help you see beyond your weaknesses. Don’t hesitate to share your needs and fears with those who love the Lord and you.

• Associate with wise people—Choose your friends wisely. Include God in every relationship, and you will establish a strong, godly base of counselors to support you in making wise decisions.

Because God loves us, we have no need to worry about the future. He has a plan, not only for our lives, but also for every problem we face. Oswald Chambers said, “All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.” Take time today to renew your trust in God and His ability to provide the wisdom you need.

Tuesday With Karen

Infused With Courage

Infused with courage, God will do for us,
He works in a heart who gives Him trust;
He knows the smallest need we have inside,
There’s no need at all His grace won’t supply!

Infused with courage, by God’s loving grace,
He gives us strength for everything we face;
There are times we’ll get feeble and weak,
But there’s great courage in all He speaks!

Infused with courage, God does for His own,
He walks by our side, we’re never alone;
He is the Potter and we are the clay,
He molds our heart in each passing day!

Infused with courage, we will always be,
It’s a special thing He does for you & me;
Some things will happen, making us confused,
In all things, His grace is bringing us through!

KI

Memorial Day: What We Can Do for Our Country

Exodus 12:14 And this day shall be unto you for a memorial;

In honor of the veterans of the Civil War, Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., who had been wounded three times during that war, said the following in a Memorial Day Address in 1884:

“It is now the moment when by common consent we pause to become conscious of our national life and to rejoice in it, to recall what our country has done for each of us, and to ask ourselves what we can do for our country in return.

Patriot’s Prayer:

The greatest thing I can do for my country, Lord, is to honor You. If I hold You in the highest regard, I will do my civic duty with pleasure. Let me do service to my country and to others with a genuine willingness. Guide me to do those things that will make a difference for You.

Patriot’s Promise

In 1 Samuel 24:6, David had a perfect opportunity to kill King Saul — who was, after all, out to kill David. But David acknowledged to his men that the king had been anointed by God and that no one should stretch out his hand against him.

Also, in 1 Chronicles 16:22, David credited God with commanding, “Do not touch My anointed ones.”

We must hold our leaders in high regard and pray for them every day.

Because David honored and respected King Saul, God honored David, and He will keep that promise to us as well.

Steep Terrain

By Ricky Smith

On a recent trip to the Holy Land, I was blown away by the beauty, people, history, and topography of the Land. It has been said that the topography of the Land serves as a “5th gospel,” in that it tells a layer of the story that is better appreciated when we see and grasp the journey people walked.  For example, the majority of Jesus’ ministry took place in a relatively small region on the northern coast of the Sea of Galilee. The time to walk from one fishing village to another would be minimal in time and distance.  It is hard to grasp without seeing it and climbing the hills or riding on a boat in the sea/lake.

samaria web

When we read in John 4 that Jesus “had to pass through Samaria,” I found it surprising that He led the disciples through this route. It would be more common and much easier to travel in the valley and along the river, where the elevation is between 600’-700’ above sea level and relatively flat.  In fact, this was the primary road. However, Jesus insisted they go through Samaria, which was a more arduous route through a series of mountains with elevations reaching 3000’ at Mount Ebal. In fact, the town of Sychar, where Jesus met the Samaritan woman, is on the eastern slope of Ebal. 

While there were dangers or even ethnic reasons for avoiding Samaria, the decision makes more sense when you consider the land’s topography. Naturally, one would travel to the valley floor and avoid the steep terrain, yet Jesus had another plan. What can we learn from this lesson?

God tells us how to live and who to serve. In fact, He promises to go with us, go before us, and make our paths straight. However, it is not an easy road—it is hard! Sometimes, we have to navigate the hard stuff. We must climb the mountains and test our endurance. We call this suffering, hard times, or challenges, but it is necessary to mature.

Circumstances Change

Circumstances change by giving God praise,
Worshiping Him takes worry away;
It puts your heart on the holy, true, & right,
As God, in each day, will be your delight!

Circumstances change if there is a song,
The enemy will know, to God, you belong;
God is there for us anytime we pray,
His loving grace hears every word we say!

Circumstances change when we cry to Him,
When He’s our God, He’s also our Friend;
Our battles in life are fought by the Lord,
Trusting His power blesses us even more!

In everything, give God glory and praise,
Thank Him for all He does every day;
His touch upon us changes everything,
He puts in our heart a sweet song to sing!

KI

Friday Funnies

Today’s Funnys

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the test.”

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Anyone else? This is your last chance.”

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourselves,” he said. “You all get ‘A’s.”

Brain Twisters

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers:

1.    The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2.    The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3.    Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4.    Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5.    The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Set Apart

By Max Lucado

In the third century, St. Cyprian wrote to a friend named Donatus:

“This seems a cheerful world, Donatus, when I view it from this fair garden under the shadow of these vines. But if I climbed some great mountain and looked out over the wide lands, you know very well what I would see; brigands on the high road, pirates on the seas, in the amphitheaters men murdered to please the applauding crowds, under all roofs misery and selfishness. It really is a bad world, Donatus, an incredibly bad world. Yet, in the midst of it, I have found a quiet and holy people. They have discovered a joy which is a thousand times better than any pleasure of this sinful life. They are despised and persecuted, but they care not. They have overcome the world. These people, Donatus, are the Christians…and I am one of them.” (Max Lucado study bible; Gordon Macdonald, Forging a Realworld Faith)

The troubles throughout the world, with our own daily burdens, can depress our spirits and destroy our happiness. But people who have obeyed the gospel of Christ and are truly living the Christian life have “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).

The fifth chapter of Galations tells us that . . . the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (Galations 5:22-26).

Wade’s Wednesday

Our Safe Place

By Cindy Hess Kasper

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”                            —Psalm 91:2

My very first job was at a fast-food restaurant. One Saturday evening, a guy kept hanging around, asking when I got out of work. It made me feel uneasy. As the hour grew later, he ordered fries, then a drink, so the manager wouldn’t kick him out. Though I didn’t live far, I was scared to walk home alone through a couple of dark parking lots and a stretch through a sandy field. Finally, at midnight, I went in the office to make a phone call.

And the person who answered—my dad—without a second thought got out of a warm bed and five minutes later was there to take me home.

The kind of certainty I had that my dad would come to help me that night reminds me of the assurance we read about in Psalm 91. Our Father in heaven is always with us, protecting and caring for us when we are confused or afraid or in need. He declares: “When they call on me, I will answer” (Psalm 91:15 nlt). He is not just a place we can run to for safety. He is our shelter (v. 1). He is the Rock we can cling to for refuge (v. 2).

In times of fear, danger, or uncertainty, we can trust God’s promise that when we call on Him, He will hear and be with us in our trouble (vv. 14–15). God is our safe place.

Dear Father, thank You for being my Rock and my safe place.

The living God will always be our shelter.