Friday Funnies

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

I had a near-death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly have gotten worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head-first to the ground. My head bounced along the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. I was about to give up hope, and I started losing consciousness.

Fortunately, someone saw what was happening, and they got the manager of the Wal-Mart, who unplugged the thing!

OOPS WE DIDN’T COORDINATE A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor:

“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river.”

And the congregation cried, “Hallelujah!”

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced: “For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365, ‘Shall we gather at the river.'”

PARENT/ TEACHER CONFERENCE

Teacher: Well, there is one good thing I can say about your son.

Parent: What is that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Prayers of Gratitude

By Charles Stanley

Prayer is the amazing privilege of entering into God’s throne room. The Creator and Ruler of the universe actually invites us to communicate with Him. Typically, our prayers consist of petitions, intercession, confession, praise, and thanksgiving.

Which of these five aspects of prayer consumes most of the time you spend talking with the Father? If you’re like many believers, you’d have to admit that thanksgiving isn’t at the top of the list. And there are several reasons why this could be true.

Whatever fills our minds is also what dominates our prayers. If we feel overwhelmed with problems, petitions naturally become more urgent. When concerns for loved ones are foremost in our mind, then intercession will be our focus. A sense of conviction and regret over sin leads us to concentrate on confession. All these are important and necessary, but we can’t let the cares of this earthly life and our own needs prevent us from taking time to center our attention on the Lord.

Now, it’s true that after we’ve seen God work in our life or answer a prayer request, we’re filled with gratitude and thank Him repeatedly. But after a while we tend to forget and drift back into our regular thought patterns. Here’s the key to keeping gratitude and praise foremost in our prayers: learning to know the Lord more deeply. As we read the Scriptures and discover His glorious nature and mighty works, He’ll become our focus, and our prayers will be filled with praise and thanks, not just for what He’s done for us but in appreciation of who He is—our good, loving, faithful, and glorious God.

Wade’s Wednesday

Give Thanks

From Women’s Ministries

A Thanksgiving book titled “Give Thanks – Powerful Prayers for Everyday Blessings.”  Even though we may have things so much easier now than when people lived in days gone by, human nature remains the same ~ we complain!  So, when you get the urge to complain about your daily life full of mundane tasks, I hope these Prayer thoughts will help turn it into gratitude.  Consider the following:

The Bathroom Scale Prayer – “The bathroom scale doesn’t lie Lord, you have blessed me abundantly and it shows.  I am grateful for these few extra pounds – especially when I consider that there are so many less fortunate than me that go hungry every day.  Show me how to provide for others as you have so generously provided for me.”

Or how about this one, a prayer over the never ending piles of laundry ~

“Father, sometimes the laundry seems never ending, but I am glad this means plenty of clean clothes for me and my family.  Thank you for blessing us with a convenient way of washing away the stains of the day and for providing us with clean hearts too.

I am always in a perpetual state of cleaning out our garage.  This thoughtful prayer helps me toss what really doesn’t matter in this life.

“Thank you Lord for all the memories these boxes hold.  As I sift through everything here, help me hang on to my fond memories and let go of the meaningless objects.  I am grateful that you have blessed me with such a full life and rich legacy of loved ones.”

In The Salvation Army ministry, Thanksgiving time signals for many of us long working days as we seek to help meet the needs of the less fortunate.  Reflecting on this prayer gives new insight in our reflection..

“Father it’s hard to work late, but I am thankful I have a job and work to do.  Thank you for an opportunity to work without interruptions and for helping me meet this deadline.”

Sometimes at this time of year we may be tempted or feel pressured to only thank God for the “big things in life” – things that in the worlds eyes, people would consider important.  But God wants our prayers of thanks for the everyday stuff, especially when the daily routines affect our attitudes.  You see,  God wants us to be thankful in everything, even the small and insignificant stuff we do every day.  The “everyday” stuff that our closest and dearest loved ones watch us do.  What better legacy could we leave them than a grateful  heart and attitude in living out the daily routines of life.

I Timothy 6:6 reads: (KJV)

“Godliness with contentment is great gain”

So ladies…  do you want an instant, non surgical face lift???  Charles Dickens said this:

“Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers and are famous preservers of youthful looks”

~ Don’t we all want that, so then, let’s whisper a prayer of thanks for whatever we are doing today and in so doing we give Glory to our God.

Tuesday With Karen

This is written for Thanksgiving. He deserves praise from the bottom of our heart! KI
It Pays To Praise
It pays to praise His name, in each day anew,
He’s worthy of glory, & He carries us through;
He watches over us with tender love & care,
When we call upon Him, He is always there!
It pays to praise God, in the great & the small,
He is awesome in power, & still Lord over all;
Mighty enough to speak the world into place,
Yet lives in our heart by His glorious grace!
It pays to praise the Lord, giving Him glory,
By Him, our heart knows salvation’s story;
He shed His holy blood on Calvary’s cross,
He doesn’t want one soul to be forever lost!
It pays to praise God, He has no measure,
His love lets us see bountiful treasures;
He blesses us far above what we deserve,
Praise Him, He guides our way by His Word!

We Gather Together Hymn

We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing;

He chastens and hastens His will to make known.
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing.
Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own.

Beside us to guide us, our God with us joining,
Ordaining, maintaining His kingdom divine;
So from the beginning the fight we were winning;
Thou, Lord, were at our side, all glory be Thine!

We all do extol Thee, Thou Leader triumphant,
And pray that Thou still our Defender will be.
Let Thy congregation escape tribulation;
Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free!

-Adrianus Valerius

Food For Thought

If you’re spiritually alive, you’re going to love this! If you’re spiritually dead, you won’t want to read it. If you’re spiritually curious, there is still hope!


A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. ‘I’ve gone for 30 years now,’ he wrote, ‘and in that  time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them so, I think I’m wasting my time and the priests are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.’

This started a real controversy in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ column. Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: ‘I’ve been married  for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this…  They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If  my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!’ When you are DOWN to nothing….God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the  incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

All right, now that you’re done reading, send it on!!! I think everyone  should read this!! When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say,  ‘Jesus, could you get that for me.

Interesting Perspective!

Author Unknown

Imagine you were born in 1900. On your 14th birthday, World War I starts, and ends on your 18th birthday. 22 million people perish in that war.

Later in the year, a Spanish Flu epidemic hits the planet and runs until your 20th birthday. 50 million people die from it in those two years. Yes, 50 million.

On your 29th birthday, the Great Depression begins. Unemployment hits 25%, the World GDP drops 27%. That runs until you are 33. The country nearly collapses along with the world economy.

When you turn 39, World War II starts. You aren’t even over the hill yet. And don’t try to catch your breath.

On your 41st birthday, the United States is fully pulled into WWII. Between your 39th and 45th birthday, 75 million people perish in the war.

At age 50, the Korean War starts. 5 million people perish.

At 55 the Vietnam War begins and doesn’t end for 20 years. 4 million people perish in that conflict.

Smallpox was epidemic until you were in your 40’s, and from your birth, until you were 55 you dealt with the fear of Polio epidemics each summer. And there was the constant threat of contracting other “childhood” diseases such as measles, etc.

On your 62nd birthday you have the Cuban Missile Crisis, a tipping point in the Cold War. Life on our planet, as we know it, could have ended. Great leaders prevented that from happening.

When you turn 75, the Vietnam War finally ends.

Think of everyone on the planet born in 1900. How did they endure all of that? If you were a kid in 1985 you may have thought your 85-year-old grandparent did not understand how hard school was. And how mean that kid in your class was. Yet they survived everything listed above. Perspective is an amazing and valuable gift. Refined and enlightening as time goes on.

Let us try to keep things in perspective. Your grandparents were called upon to endure all of the above—today we are being called upon to stay home or wear a mask and practice social distancing.

Friday Funnies

Problem Solved

Anthony Miller was acting oddly, even for a robber, when he entered a bank in Ephrata, PA. He drew his BB gun, demanded money, and then asked the teller to call the police. Miller later explained that he wanted to be arrested so he could get away from his wife. It worked. He was sentenced to three to six years in prison.        —Associated Press

~ ~ ~

I was visiting my grandfather in the hospital, when a nurse came in to check his blood sugar. Before she started, she examined his red fingertips, which had been poked numerous times already and said, “Hmm, which finger should we use this time that won’t hurt too much?”

“Yours,” my grandfather replied. —Tata Vyn

~ ~ ~

I had signed up to be a school volunteer and was helping a first-grader with her homework. But it turned out I was the one in need of help. The assignment required coloring, and I’m color-blind—can’t tell blue from red. As we finished our lesson, I told the little girl, “Next week you can read to me.” Looking confused, she said, “Can’t you read, either?”       —Howard Seiplinga

From Reader’s Digest Treasury of Joy and Inspiration © 2013 The Reader’s Digest Association

Teachable

“…when the wise is instructed, he receiveth knowledge.”   Proverbs 21:11

I was studying some Bible passages recently that say, “teach me”. There’s several of them in the Psalms, such as “Teach me thy way” (Psalm 25:4), “Teach me thy statutes”(Psalm 119:12), “Teach me to do thy will” (Psalm 143:10), and there’s other “teach me’s” in the Scripture. It struck me as I was studying through those that in order to do all those things, I have to be “teachable” to begin with or I’m not going to learn how to do those things.

Having a teachable spirit is such a good trait to have. It means we are able to receive instruction. Proverbs 21:11 says,

“When the scorner is punished, the simple is made wise: and when the wise is instructed, he receiveth knowledge.”

When we learn something new or even are reminded of something we already know, it makes us more knowledgeable. It helps us live more wisely. I doubt if any of us have a teachable spirit all of the time, and I was thinking about some of the things that hinder us from being teachable.

  • We think we know it all.
    Thinking we know it all can really hinder our learning. When we are in that mode, we don’t allow anything to soak in. It’s like we have this coating on us that blocks out everything we should be absorbing.We can never learn enough about Christ or know our Bible as good as we need to in order to serve the Lord the way we should. How can we ever know it all when it comes to Christ?

    “O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!” Romans 11:33

  • We don’t listen closely.
    Do you ever do that? Half listen? I know I do sometimes. If we are not careful, we may just miss some very important points that we’ll need down the road.When dealing with the Christian life, we have to listen closely to the Lord too.

    “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me” John 10:27

  • We are too busy talking ourselves.
    When we are rattling on ourselves, we miss out on some learning experiences. Sometimes we have to just stop and listen.“Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.” Psalms 141:3